Q: Quite an imagination he had...

I wished farewells are simple. But they never were. When I left my parents at BWI airport, my mother got into the cab with her eyes all watered up. As I watched CarmenS left Baltimore to Harvard, her two best friends wrapped each other tight and sobbed waterfalls.  The straight-faced me stood stoic in both situations, convincing myself that I shouldn’t cry because there I’ll see them again. I shouldn’t cry because I have to be strong for others. It takes multiple mental simulations and a whole lot of patient coaxing to get to that state of mind. Once I am in that zone, I carefully put a halter over my emotions and hold it steady until I decide where to let it loose again. Most often so at a private place, away from anybody’s line of sight.

However, my last bawl was ironically, in front of my parents. I had an intense argument with mom, over my brother’s life decisions (this I won’t cover because it’s another story altogether). One thing led to another, and we both cried. I was feeling very strongly about my thoughts at that moment, that I left the tear gates unchecked. That was when the walls cracked and the waters gushed out, freeing themselves from stagnant pools. It has happened before, but the numbers are not more than ten. I remembered dad walking over to hug me. I couldn’t hear anything but my own wailing. I couldn’t see anything because the tears were in the way. Couldn’t smell anything since my nose was clogged up. Scary shit huh? It was a moment of vulnerability, in my opinion, a time that I lay out my helpless side. The same thing happened when I had to give up a best friend, and when I had to fight to be where I am today. Tsk, the tears are coming again. I am such a baby.

I can’t tell you exactly why I hate crying, especially in front of others. But I can tell you that it is relatable to a lot of my friends who share similar sentiments about this topic. Despite all that, sometimes I wish I can learn to be more honest with my feelings.

Saman again,
Vonnie S.