Q: Stop thinking like this :(

When something is impossible, it means it can't be done. So I told myself over and over, that I should let it go and not hold onto it. I'm half-way across the world from Malaysia but my heart still seems to be exactly where it was. Just like it was five years ago, when I thought we were done with this. Just like the period when I kept lying to myself, telling myself that your past and present self are entirely different people. ktsiong might have been right when he said it takes time for true sadness to settle into one's heart. I wonder how much time I'm going to need until this sadness fades away forever?

because I care,
Vonnie S.
Credit goes to draftpodium (c) The falling Leaves

Q: Let's tape it back together.

Some relationships are like a broken wine glass, once shattered it should have remained shattered. The efforts of trying to piece it together is both arduous and tedious. Along the way, these hands will be scratched and from the opening wounds they bleed, staining all possibilities and testing patience. I watched the glass manifested to its glory days, but somehow, when the sunlight shines through it, the cracks are still visible on the body, which reminded me of present's remnants and what would be--a future's past.

Cherio,
Vonnie S.
Credit goes to Raingarden (c) Glass: Friendship

Q: The best thing to do is to forget...

It’s just what it is. MeiYi called to talk about my regrets, both tearing up with every passing seconds. When she was left bleeding to death by the curb, we were having a sound sleep in bed, safe and thoughtless, taking our mortal lives for granted. It was sickening that I vomited, even as I doused water over my face and had them sting my eyes; dealing with this wasn’t great news. Tell me this ain’t true, tell me this is all a lie. But here in the manifestation of a tombstone engraved in her name, we see streams of people in tears, and I stood silent, still in shock, still wishing this is but a nightmare.

After five years, you’d think I forgotten. I’d think I did too, like how I’ve forgotten my cousin’s birthday, my SPM results, my first pen pal’s name, but this memory refused to lie beaten. I am not supposed to be dealing with this right now, KaviS. wanna talk about other less depressing things. This is ridiculous, I am at home, in bed and I am sweating.  

too much too long

Q: When Myrtle died...

These nights had me waking up feeling numb as though my lungs was collapsing and my pillow was soaked for some reason. Messed up, this time of the year is like so. In small gasps, I found myself barely able to control the pulsating heart and the anger...it pisses me off greatly that I just stood there not being able to do anything. My frustrated self wasn't able to cope well with it even after many Octobers and instead of telling myself that it ain't my fault, I can only hear myself going "Shit shit shit shit..." The playback button isn't so fun anymore.

...he's forgotten.
vonnie s.

E: RIP Steve Jobs

Today, I came across a picture on Facebook that my friend had taken in school; it was for her best friend's birthday. I do not know this girl, but just from that one picture, you can feel the love she must have had for that day. The friends, the smiles, and more importantly the presents. Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be arguing for materialistic value. Trust me, you'll get it in a sec.

So, people are always wondering "what do I get for him?" or "I don't know what she likes", that's a dilemma when you don't know that person well enough to be making even a mere educated guess. Birthday presents are a pain, especially for the sender, hard choices to make and one worries that it might offend the birthday kid. Seriously, a gift should come from the heart, no matter what. It must serve a purpose, given thorough thought, and believe that in some impossible manner, it is made for him or her. It's all about making dreams come true.

I too struggled with this one too many time, it's always a hit or miss and even as a child, I use to think the bigger the better, or the pricier it is the better. It begs the question of value, if you give me an iPad, oh yea sure, any reasonable person would be happy at that thought, BUT is it necessarily the only thing that could potentially make it the ultimate present? At one point in life, I could afford an iPad of my own, so that no longer tugs at my heart as say...a handmade birthday card? Cheap materials, check; but what makes it expensive is the fact that this gift is Priceless, one of a kind tailor made with the recipient in mind.

Okay, I suck at handcrafting stuffs, must I really force it? No. There are more ways to bend around the rules of defining 'special'. Recall that I do mention the word "purpose" and "given thought". She always wanted a penguin plush toy, and you have that cash in your pocket, search for it. He always wanted that Risk board game so badly that he would stop by Toy 'r Us every time just to look at it. That ought to have shed some light on a rather cloudy day.

Right, so the only thing birthday kid wants is the dang iPad. Getting it doesn't mean you're being materialistic and you are feeding materialism. Say, you did save your lunch money to cash in for the iPad, you sacrifice not buying that new arrival dress, or you simply quit shopping for two whole months! Commendable efforts count, because you are "making dreams come true" by doing this. There you go magician, have a spin round the thinking hat and when you do actually pull out a rabbit, you're in it to win it.

Back to my friend, she and her friends made the birthday girl a doll house out of pop sickle sticks, baked cupcake cake, handmade pop-up card, and a plush doll. She said, "If I could turn all of you into dolls to keep you all with me forever I would." And that makes a whole lot of difference.

Keep fishing,
Vonnie S.

Q: LOL is Lad On Lad, when guys say it; Lady On Lady, when girls say it.

Studying for the Critical Reasoning exam later at 4pm. I’ve been in this class for a month now, and it taught me to salute those who are majoring in Philosophy. Seriously. I don’t know how you people can manage this but I am certainly hitting the rough edges. These p’s and q’s, logical explanations, deductions and inductions are just so out of reach (literally alien language); I wish I can bundle them up and watch them burst into flames. GG.

Let’s pray LaurenB. doesn’t find me in this computer lab.

No True Scotsman,
Vonnie S.

Q: Hey look! Even the leaves are falling for you.

"Let's spar. Be serious with me for once."

Back then, the idea of kick boxing ktsiong was absurd; on second thought, I would say that walking home to mummy with a black eye and some bruises could have easily gotten me a one-way-ticket to the "talk room". So, I gave a light punch on his shoulders, and told him that I wasn't going to because he would beat the crap outta me anyway. Discovery Channel showed me that it delivers massive pain and I am not ready for it. ktsiong gave me one of those look a puppy would give you when you take away his toy; I don't mean the cute face, it was that disappointment that egged me on. I let out a long sigh, as though by doing that, I could garner some courage after all.

"Fine. Just don't turn me into a panda okay?"

Three years ago, the back of my right thigh had a bruise so dark you'd think I need a surgeon to remove that "blood clot". That same year, I had to limp across campus for a couple of days. The sting was horribly annoying, counting the fact that losing to ktsiong probably felt suckier than getting into a car accident. At least I know how to drive - to take control - of the vehicle, but muay thai had me in the room, vulnerable and exposed. The initial punches were gingerly dodged or blocked, it was the sneaky side kick that pulled me to the ground like gravity. There, I yelled "Time Out!" Just a red patch. I kept going.

See, he's a sweetheart to leave me with such a big hickey. But he was giving me an experience I probably would never have with any other people. Five years ago, on that same day, my good friend passed away. She haunts me even today - the week after my birthday is the worst - for I'll be in the most crappy mode. Let's put it this way, I'll literally let my loved ones get the brunt of it, not on purpose, it just happens. That year with ktsiong, she never came visiting.

Dolphin Tales,

Vonnie S.